Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
