I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
