Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
