I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
