I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
