Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
