i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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