I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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