Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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