Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
