I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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