I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
