i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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