Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Randomize
