watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
