She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
