I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
3pm strippers are depressing
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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