Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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