I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
