The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
