when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
