My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
