Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
