If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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