im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
