So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
