do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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