the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
