Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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