He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
