I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
