I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
