Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
