Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
