I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
