Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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