Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
