He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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