I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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