just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
