Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
