Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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