Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
