oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
