We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
