I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
