she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
