my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
