he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
