My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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