well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
