The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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