Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This baby is an asshole
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
