So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You ruined the universe
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
