The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
