Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
