He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
