My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
