Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
