Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
