So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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